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Writing Tripe Since 2004
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Wednesday, December 29, 2004
A Cry for Help
OK, I need to borrow someone's genius for a second because mine seems to be on the fritz.

I'll start with background. My mom lives alone. Granted I spend quite a few nights there, but technically she lives alone. She's old(ish) and small, her back hurts a lot and, probably most important, she's really meek.

The townhouse she lives in is attached to another house on both sides. There's a tiny front porch. Leading up to this porch is an L-shaped sidewalk bordered on the side toward the street by a likewise L-shaped "garden" about 3 or four feet wide.

Now whether they are ignorant, stupid, careless, or whathaveyou I've seen her neighbors to the left (closest to this garden) walk from their yard straight through our garden and walk across my mom's private sidewalk to cross our driveway and visit a neighbor down the road. They're practically crossing about 2 feet in front of her front window when they do this. They do it in the summer when we have flowers there, they do it in the winter when there is snow's really pretty fucking annoying. And to top it off, when my brother, D, was visiting he installed and wired those lights that are dug into the ground in a series and turn on by a timer to light the walkway--and they STEP ON these too! They crash the lids off, they knock the light right off the stem..gah! I'm always bending over to put them back together and one of these days they're just going to plain break. My mom paid for them, my brother took part of his vacation to install them, and our lousy neighbors have taken it upon themselves to destroy them--whether it's the neighbors themselves or their mangy cats that lie on my mother's porch.

Now you're thinking, well, obviously someone has to say something to the neighbors. We have. In fact, mom said something to another neighbor who was dragging the cord of a power washer across the flowers in the our garden to the above neighbor's house and she got called a bitch, he knocked on her window so he could yell and scream some more, and now she's afraid every time she sees him.

We've basically become resigned to the fact that they just plain suck and they're going to walk through the garden no matter what. But I'd at least like to keep the lanterns in working order. I was thinking that I'd like to create some sort of box with holes in it to surround them with which is somehow anchored deep in the ground (and ideally would, if they stepped on it, explode like a landmine and burst into flames, catching them on fire so I can watch them run screaming into the night)and I need some design and execution ideas. Help?
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger Gary said…

    Ok, no really an are with which I have any inspiration but you could try rigging the lights up to some kind of device whereby if the neighbours stepped on it they got electrocuted. However, this suggestion has three drawbacks as far as I can tell:

    1) I have no idea how on earth you'd do this
    2) I'm not sure what the laws are like in America but I'm pretty sure judges would take a dim view.
    3) The pitfalls on stepping on them yourself are high.

    So yeah, I'm sorry i can't help. In Britain somebody would have probably complained to the council by now - I don't know if there's a similar system? Or maybe a fence? Um, yeah, like I say, I'm not much help...

  • At 8:52 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    Were you drunk when you wrote this, Gary darlin'?

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