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Writing Tripe Since 2004
BlogYear in Review 2005

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Monday, June 20, 2005
The Search
Did you ever run across something while looking for something else? And that thing you's something you never expected to see again, something you didn't even know you had?

I was looking through my computer files today, trying to get rid of some stuff, and I came across something that I am surprised I even saved. It certainly doesn't reflect well on me...this poor, pathetic, begging Lori of four or five years ago. Oh, it's nothing horrible; but I does, I hope, prove that I've come a long way in the past four years of my life...begun to realize what I'm worth...begun to see that the only person worth getting on my knees for is God.

I don't think I've really ever posted anything this personal on here before. It's kind of like posting a chunk of my heart, and it semi-exposes someone who might be upset by it. However, I feel compelled to put it out there, to put it far away from me. Because it isn't, joyously, me anymore.

It's an exchange on what for all intents and purposes is an Instant Messaging Service:

You say 'you make me laugh'
M smiles
You say 'you support me'
M says 'all in absentia'
You say 'not always'
M nods
You say 'i don't think you realize sometimes'
You say 'i feel like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop'
M says ‘the other shoe?'
You say 'like obviously i don't REALLY love you and i'm going to get fed up with you sooner or later'
M says 'that's not really the case'
You say 'or maybe you hope i will'
M knows you won't
You ask 'scary?'
M says 'I dunno'
M says 'I seem to be just bumbling along'
You ask 'with me or in general?'
M says 'with you I suppose'
M doesn't want to leave you
You say 'well, good.'
M says ‘what can I do?'
You say 'but you aren't willing to make any changes in your life plan for me
M says 'I have to do the right thing for my actual life'
M says 'like money and the plan and
You say 'so i'm not right for your actually life? ME, not my circumstance or location'
M says 'it's not that
M says 'I didn't mean that anyway’
M would be pretty unhappy with a permanent job over there I think perhaps I should just go for the contracts
You say 'it's weird that you think of a permanent job as really PERMANEMT
M says 'it's permanent enough'
M says 'two years at least'
M looks shifty enough as it is on the cv
You emote : lORi would give you two years
M says 'the thing is'
M says 'I REALLY don't think anyone is going to think I am worth going to the time and expense of getting me a work permit
M isn't hot property in the IT market
You say 'so it'll be me then, i'll move'
M says 'how'
You say 'i'll stay here and move up some..i'll become a PM'
You say 'then i'll get a job'
You say 'over there'
M says 'I think there'd be way less chnace of that happening than me moving there'
You say 'the thing is'
You say 'i've invested 3 years of my life in loving you...and we deserve a chance.'
You say '3 years is a long time'
M says 'but it's not really 3 years as such
You say 'to just wipe away'
You say 'it is three years to me'
You say 'i've loved you for 3 years'
You say 'regardless of where i was'
M nods
You say 'i feel like you won't even try, though'
M asks 'ever think how hard it'd be to move?'
You say 'of course'
M was thinking I might want to stay in ____
You ask 'yeah?'
M nods
M says 'it could take two months to organise a job in the usa, at least'
You say 'i thought you said they weren't offering you enough money to keep you afloat'
M says 'if they offer a rise they mentioned
You say 'that's why i've been asking you if you applied to any
M sighs
M says 'ok'
M says 'well let's do it then'
M says '___ records can wait'
You say 'no'
M says 'I'll aply for some'
You say 'you'll start to hate me'
M will?
M would not hate you
You say 'i don't like picking at you, you know'
M nods
You say 'and i so want you to be happy'
You say 'i just want that happiness to include me'
M nods
M says 'it'd be nice'
You say 'i try not to compare us to other people'
You say 'but it's hard when ____ and ___ are charging forward with greencards and all and getting what they want'
M says 'they got married'
You say 'yes, they did'
You say 'because they loved each other
M just doesn't know
You ask 'but are you searching or are you just content with not knowing?'
M asks 'searching
You say 'it's always been for me...if you love someone you get married'
You say 'i'm not saying that's right'
You say 'just the way i've been programmed'
M says 'I might love you
You say '____ and ___have been going out for nine years and want to have a baby next year, and they aren't getting married'
M asks 'but are you the right person for me to marry
You say 'are you asking me? ;o)
You say 'cos i'd have to say, yes, of course i am.'
M smiles
M says 'you know how I always try to see the good in people'
You exclaim 'yes!'
M says 'what if I'm just not critical enough'
You say 'you certainly aren't blind to my faults'
You say 'you've watched me get better'
M nods
You say 'at some things'
You say 'and noticed the difference'
M asks 'but are you just doing it for me?'
You say 'i can honestly say no to that, because until you told me i was getting better, growing up...i didn't know that i was...i wasn't trying
You say 'I just had a lot of stuff happen'
M nods
You say ‘and I joined Weight Watchers’
M asks 'why tho?'
You say 'you made me think about some tough things'
M nods
You say 'it was time'
M nods
You say 'I wanted to come out of this cocoon of fat
You say 'and like myself'
M says 'that'd be good'
You say 'i'm starting'
M says ':)'
lORi is quite proud of herself lately
M smiles
M proud too
You say 'awww'
You ask 'you want to know why i think i'd be a good wife in general?'
You ask 'besides the fact that i like video games?'
You emote : lORi grins
M says 'heh'
M asks 'why?'
You say 'because i want to continue to have my own life and you to have yours. I really do. i've seen both kinds of marriage.'
M nods
You say 'i understand your concerns...the thing is...i don't think anything is ever going to trigger the feeling that "I KNOW FOR ABSOLUTELY SURE THIS IS RIGHT AND NOTHING WILL EVER GO WRONG WITH IT"'
You say 'with anyone, not just me'
M nods
M says 'you're right'
You say 'that's why people get cold feet, nothing's guaranteed'
M says 'oh I know that'
You say 'you just have to talk lots and be honest and give the benefit of the doubt and care about the other person's happiness'
You emote : lORi coughs
You emote : lORi stops
You emote : lORi pulled you in here to tell you something good
M says 'you have'
You say 'not to have a heart to heart'
M smiles
M says 'the only way you could come over is by being married
You say 'so i haven't convinced you to ask me to marry you yet? ;o)'
M hasn't convinced myself
You emote : lORi nods
You say 'we'll be OK, whatever happens'
M ponders going out on the skiis
M nods
You say 'ooh yeah, go'
M well
You say 'but it's dark'
M says 'it is, that's not a problem'
M says 'should I ski out into the bay'
M says 'or just go along the path'

Who was that girl? Begging for love. Trying to fit round pegs into square holes. Convinced that everything would eventually work out like a fairy tale, regardless of his obvious ambivalence, his passiveness. When every word he typed, and some that he didn't were screaming, "It's not you. It will never be you." Who was that girl? How could that have been me?
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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