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Writing Tripe Since 2004
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Get Up There!!!
**First I'd like to warn you all that I've been reading Henry James. Hence sentences like the ones from the previous post: "Because it isn't, joyously, me anymore." and "Oh, it's nothing horrible; but it does, I hope, prove that I've come a long way in the past four years of my life."

Now, I think this post might be related, in a sense, to my previous post. Ever since I was a little girl, I've had be people in my life that I just wanted to devour. I want to live inside them. There's just something about them that makes them amazing. Strenth or savvy, grace or eloquence. Rung by rung they climb my ladder and are placed on my pedestal (which, for whatever reason, I have always pictured more as a Corinthian column). And once they are up there, there they are stuck.

That's a lot for a normal human being to live up to. And, because they are human, they inevitably fall down...usually on my head.

The first person up there was probably my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Lord. (Yes, Mrs. Lord.) She was so smart, and she knew all these songs. Then one day, she was probably having a bad day, and she yelled at me for not being able to find a letter "L" (for Lori) to stand on on the alphabet rug. I cried for hours. The fact that I still remember this so clearly says something.

Then there was "Moose" from the program You Can't Do that On Television. Oh, I just thought she was so cool. She was older, she could probably even drive. I wrote her a letter. By the time I got an answer (from some intern, probably), she wasn't even on the show anymore and was in college for film. Haven't seen her in anything, either. HA!

Fast forward to high school and my French teacher, Ms. Cowles. I still think she's amazing. I used to write her notes during my study hall. She read all my horrible teenage poetry and found things in it to praise. She took us all to France. One day in high school, I brought her my journal and asked her to write something in it, and she wrote a lovely note to me. I wanted to be her. I wanted to consume her. How she must have wanted to shake me sometimes. We actually ended up being friends, after I graduated. I went to the same college as she did, partly because she had gone there. We would go out to dinner or watch a movie occasionally. She was high on the pedestal, but I could actually hang out with her. She still sends me Christmas and Easter cards, but she doesn't write back to letters anymore. She's married now and very happy...I went to her wedding (yes, as an invited guest).

There are more, but you get the point, and are probably getting the straight jacket.

This Corinthian monstrosity is, I am sure, part of my problem with the men in my life, or lack thereof. They get halfway up the ladder, realize where they are and what it means, and take a flying leap off as fast as they can. I need to somehow show people what I have to give, to allow myself to be on equal footing with them, and to not automatically assume they are superior to me. I do not need a boyfriend to be a father figure, just because I don't have a father anymore. I do not need a boyfriend to be a teacher. (Or a preacher...ha, now that George Michael song will be stuck in your head all day!) It's strange, sometimes I see myself so clearly. I can see the things that draw people to me and the things that push people away. Other times, I have a really hard time seeing what would make someone want to be around me. Those times, I think, are when the pedestal comes out.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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