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Writing Tripe Since 2004
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Friday, November 12, 2004
A Pilfered List of Universal Truths
This one was one of those things that gets forwarded to you, so I have no idea who to credit. Or maybe I got it a long time ago off my friend Kirsty's Blog? See, now if they'd have copyrighted it...

I have highlighted those that I've found especially brilliant.

Universal Truths

  1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
  3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger's.
  4. You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green potato chips
  5. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly
  6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
  7. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.
  8. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
  9. You never know where to look when eating a banana
  10. It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
  11. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
  12. Rummaging in an overgrown backyard will always turn up a bouncy ball.
  13. You always feel a bit scared when petting horses.
  14. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into their school.
  15. The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.
  16. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  17. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
  18. Every guy has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.
  19. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
  20. It's impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.
  21. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  22. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  23. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
  24. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
  25. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
  26. You never run out of salt.
  27. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
  28. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
  29. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
  30. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
  31. Bricks are horrible to carry.
  32. In every plate of french fries there is a bad fry.
  33. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger Colin said…

    I know it's not one of the ones you highlighted, but I think the one about everyone having an uncle who tried to steal your nose is particularly correct/disturbing/what-have-you. I didn't have any uncles, but my sister, who's more than 20 years older than me had a long term (sleazeball) boyfriend who filled in on nose-stealing. I hated him with a passion nobody in my family could understand.

  • At 4:13 PM, Blogger Mikael said…

    first off.... colin has a sister??? news friggin' flash.

    secondly, it is very possible to look cool picking up a frisbee. one way is if you scoop it up and then flick it to your friend all in one smooth motion. another way is if you had a layout block in a game of Ultimate and then get to pick the disc up for your team because you forced a turnover.

  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger Colin said…

    Right... so by "sister" I meant "half-sister." My bad.

  • At 10:29 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    It really isn't possible to look cool while picking up a frisbee. But apparently it *is* possible to *think* you look cool while doing so.

  • At 1:46 PM, Blogger monkeybro said…

    # 16 is my mantra. Small dogs also apply.

  • At 8:03 AM, Blogger Big Dipper said…

    Bravo, genius. I will link to this. Too Good :)

  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    Thanks. Too bad I can't take original credit for it. I wonder who really sat down and wrote them. Glad you like it, hope you keep checking in.

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