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Writing Tripe Since 2004
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Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Weekend Getaway
I'm back from Neil and Christine's picnic this weekend. I had a good time. I have a really good set of friends up there. Neil, Christine, and the ever-elusive Bradley. They're the kind of friends that, while you don't call them every week or even every month, when you do get back together everything just clicks again. . . and sarcasm and laughter abound. I really enjoy being with them.

I learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em ( I think I was the only person left on the planet who didn't know how to play) and Cribbage (hard for me, because I'm embarassingly bad at adding in my head). We went hiking in Purgatory. We played wiffle ball. I even stayed an extra night--Monday night--because I just wasn't ready to get back to my life yet. Well, that, and an embarrasing little occurance which I'm not talking about.

I got to spend some time with Brad, too, finally. Some of that was a little awkward. Neil and Christine know that Brad and I have a sometimes thing going on, but nobody else that was around that weekend really is supposed to know. I'm not exactly sure why, but it feels better this way somehow. I think I need to examine that more closely, but there it is for now.

The only bad thing is that being up there is a reminder of how--regardless of my intent and moderate success at trying to concentrate on living a good life and letting love find me--there's a deep spot of loneliness in my life. Staying up late at night to watch a movie snuggled next to Brad on the couch--I can realize all I want that Brad isn't the person who is going to be there for me, but there really is nothing to compare to that warm, safe, sleepy, loved feeling. There just isn't.

I can socialize with good people, I can find new hobbies, I can read new books, I can get my dog, buy a house. But that feeling will still be missing from my life. And that's why I let Brad make the rules, that's why I try to deny that I am completely incapable of being casually involved with someone--because for moments in time Brad can make me feel warm, safe, and loved. That's really all I have right now, and I need it. I need to know that every once in a while there's going to be someone around to kiss me goodnight on the forehead and cater to my insecurities. I suppose that makes me weak and an affront to single, independant women everywhere. But those moments when I'm not lonely are worth it.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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