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Writing Tripe Since 2004
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Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Day 3
Now that I have begun my 30th year on this planet, I'd like to impart some of the wisdom I have gained over the years.

1) Just because you have been watching the Olympics, does not mean that you can lay a 2x4 from your bed to your dresser and use it as a balance beam. It will snap in half before you even get near the middle and a sharp wood shard will rake the back of your leg. (Wisdom circa age 8)

2) When you are on a swing set, be sure to gauge how far the resting swing was from the ground before you rise in the air and lean your head back. This precaution will greatly aid in the prevention of you scraping your bottom lip across dirt and rocks. (Wisdom circa age 10)

3) While in gym class, do not attempt a cartwheel in pants that are too small. The likely outcome of this endeavor is that you will split your pants up the crotch and the only pair available from the school nurse will be banana yellow bellbottoms from the 70s. (Wisdom circa age 11)

4) When you have a band concert, more cork grease does not necessarily equate to better clarinet playing. What it does, is pretty much assure that while you're walking up the stage stairs, the bottom of your clarinet will slip off and roll down the stairs. You will then have to retrieve it by bending over in front of the entire audience. (Wisdom circa age 12)

5) When your brother takes you to the parking lot so you can practice driving and parallel parking, assure that the window is indeed rolled down before you try to stick your head out of it to get a better look in the mirror. Namely because your brother will never, ever, let you live this moment down. (Wisdom circa age 17)

6) Just because there wasn't anyone parked in the driveway behind you when you went to bed, does not mean there is no one parked behind you when you back out in the morning. Therefore, always defrost your rear window. (Wisdom circa age 20)

7) Don't wear a large back pack when trying to get into a revolving door. Especially if said revolving door is in Trump Tower. Be careful of luggage in general (see last post on turnstiles). (Wisdom circa age 28)
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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