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Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Lost and Found
I was so proud of myself that the hurt was finally going away. I would go for days without really thinking about him. Then weeks without talking to him. Weeks without even wondering how he was. The memories were good things, they didn't hurt anymore, when I did think about them. I thought it was finally over.

I didn't realize that I had based my entire "recovery" on a false assumption. I WANTED to think that no matter what he said, the reason he didn't want me anymore was because we were so far apart. He could have told me a million times (and he pratically did) that he didn't think we were really right for each other. That he thought I was "nice" but I wasn't the girl he wanted to marry. Something in my mind couldn't fathom this. It seemed illogical to me to go out with someone for 3 years and then decide that they were no longer "right." But he never lies, I should have known he wasn't lying.

I felt my heart in my throat when he told me he was seeing someone now. Why? And then when he told me it was her and that she was living in Wisconsin, I really for a moment thought I was going to throw up. His parents must really have hated me to set him up with another American while we were still going out.

How can this still hurt so much? The thought of someone else knowing him. Having special "anniversaries" with him. Hearing him sing. Why does it still hurt so much? How can it have been this long?

We've been talking periodically since the day we broke up. He is consistantly apologizing for the way he handled things with me. I wanted to be able to be his friend. I tried really hard, and maybe it was working for a while. I can't do it anymore. I can't be his anything.

I want my things back (namely my rock climbing shoes). I'll send you back whatever you want. But I can't talk to you anymore. I feel betrayed that you've chosen another situation like ours. And if I ever found out that you moved for her, like you would not do for me, I would be so angry. So I think the best thing is if I try to forget that you exist. I hope you never hurt like this.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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5 Comments:
  • At 11:06 PM, Blogger Samay said…

    screw 'em. If it's meant to be, they'll come back crawling. If not, something better's around the corner.
    Trust me, i know.

     
  • At 8:31 AM, Blogger monkeybro said…

    Hey Lori-
    It's your big brother here. Sworn protector and champion of all things Lori. I'm sorry this still hurts so much. What can I do to make you feel better?
    What would any brother do? I can tell you you're a beautiful, intelligent, warm, kind and funny young woman and that you should forget about him and move on. It's true and yet, somehow I don't think that makes everything good as new.
    I could quote a song. The "Counting Crows" have been looping around my brain lately. Some simple pronoun switches and lots of songs apply. How about "scoop him up in a butterfly net, pin him down to a photograph album. I am not worried. I am not overly concerned". That song seems to be about love lost. Maybe not. The meanings I assign to lyrics never seem to match the general consensus.
    I know! I'll call him and threaten to kick his ass from England to Wisconsin. Problem is, he's about 15 years younger than me and I don't travel all that much. I'd do it though. I'd risk a bloody nose and broken larnyx if it would make you feel better. Hell, I'd take a bullet for you at the Golden Globe awards. I'd even consider voting Republican if it would take away your hurt. Strike that. I could never vote Republican. How about Libertarian?
    Maybe you want a ride on my shoulders over to 7/11? I'll buy you a grape Charmpop. How about I push you on the swing? You can swing your legs out high in the air and simply soar. After, you can climb the monkeybars.
    Damn. I got nothing kid. Nothing I can say, quote, do or buy is gonna make a bit of difference in all this.
    I will tell you that broken hearts grow bigger and stronger and are the very proof that you are alive. OK. Maya Angelou may have said that or something like it but it's true.
    Fly down to Austin soon Lori. We'll have a Mexican martini at Chuys and talk about broken hearts and Charmpops and this man from England. I may not be able to make you feel better but I'm damn sure willing to try.
    I love you-
    Your Big Brother Monkeybro.

     
  • At 8:59 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    I love you too, big brother.

    More Counting Crows:

    You got a piece of me, but it's just a little piece, and I don't need anyone these days.

    - Counting Crows, Have You Seen Me Lately

    Those are the acurate lyrics, but I like mine (what I always thought they were) better

    You got a piece of me, but it's just a little piece of me I don't need anyway.

     
  • At 9:13 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    Lori-

    Since I am not a registered blogger (?) put this in as a comment.

    Having a brother like that is God’s way of saying, “I love you”. You are so lucky. Expect more from a guy than what that pea-brained @$$hole gave you. You, your family, and your friends know that you deserve it.

    From now on, any guy that wants to date you will have to go through an intensive screening process. This process will include:

    1. a test of athletic ability
    2. Psychological and psychosocial analyses- (Ben- please consider doing this, for your own purposes. Please)
    3. a test of academic ability and common sense
    4. Interviews by your brother and me

    Love and hugs-

    Catherine Victoria, BSASP, fantastic pilot, and all around great person, (with connections to the Mexican Mafia)

     
  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    FOR ANYONE WHO WANTED HIS SIDE:

    I don't do whatever I like, although I try to do what I want. Emma was a shameful mistake - I'm not as good a person as I want to be. My fault in this was not to break up sooner, but I thought maybe things would change.
    That was of course stupid and that's what I beat myself up about. I did make sacrifices to be with you in all those holidays (money, time, opportunities for my own adventures), but I also turned away other people whilst I was with you.

    I didn't break up with you in real life because I just wasn't strong enough. I felt your pain every time I thought of it, but there was eventually nothing else to do. This was weak of me. I didn't intend to break up with there and then when I did, only to talk about problems, but the opportunity came up so I took it.

    The big problem was how much I liked you and cared for you, that's why I found it so hard to end it for so long. Which sounds like total crap given what happened with Emma, but that was compartmentalised - it seemed such a seperate issue to my subconscious that it went ahead.. So that's my problem, ultimately I can't say no to things, and it's shit yes. Not telling you about that cheating was the only lie. I never planned or aimed for it - your worry was founded as it turned out, but I didn't aim to deceive when I denied it.

    So I learned a few lessons.

    B

     
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