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Tuesday, March 01, 2005
A Moment
I had a strange moment this morning as I was waking up. Rising to awareness, one of my first thoughts was that I had slept on top off all my blankets and sheets except one, and how much easier that was going to make it for me to make the bed that morning. That thought led oddly into my thinking that my mother would think it was really weird if she knew that usually I just slept on top of my down comforter under a duvet and not in the fitted sheet/sheet/blanket/comforter set-up with which I had grown up. Still with me?

Well, all those disjointed early morning thoughts about bedding led to one of those moments where I realize that I'm 28 and really living my own little life. . .making my own little life. "I live here in this townhouse with my roommate," I thought, "This is me. I choose to get up and go to my job. I choose to pay my bills and my rent, to buy a plane ticket, to eat out again. This is what I'm doing here and now. I choose who to see and when to see them. I have created this for myself. This is my life."

I wish I could make you feel that feeling...it was pretty intense, but I can't seem to get the right words down to convey it right now. It wasn't like an out-of-body experience, or anything that dramatic. It was just a certain clarity about where and how I fit into this big world, based on all the little things that make me Lori. Of course, I thought all this, then rolled out of bed and, in typical fashion, whacked my shin really hard on my vanity table, stumbled into the shower, and eventually wandered out into the 5-inches of snow to clear off my car, ending up at work with wet cuffs and a great need for coffee. So much for the moment of utter clarity.

Anyway, I have an idea of where all those thoughts came from: I've been thinking quite a bit lately about my tendency to think of myself as young and inexperienced, mostly because of my upcoming promotion interview at work. I wonder if my position in my family as the baby (by 16 then 14 years) and the only girl has something to do with seeing myself in this light? I know what I need to work on is not worrying about the fact that the people I would be supervising would be not only older than me, but will also mostly have been at the company longer. But I am not that young, and I have had my share of experience. I've been in the work world full-time for 6 years (counting part-time, for 10), and I am smart, capable, and likeable. There is really no reason why I should feel unprepared for this or inadequate in anyway. I have as much of a chance as anyone. There is no real reason for anyone not to respect me.

Ever have deep and meaningful morning thoughts? Does anyone have any idea what I'm talking about?
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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3 Comments:
  • At 4:23 PM, Blogger Writer said…

    Yes! And very recently too (about two months ago). It was like “oh, I grew up, when did that happen?” I think we come to this realization at several stages in our life. I’m sure we thought this in college too, and probably in high school, and earlier in junior high, and back in sixth grade when we were the oldest ones on the playground. I think people around you see you “growing up,” but I know for me I always have to stop and put all those things together in my head, like you said you had to do, before I can put it all together. Anyway, it is hard to convey those thoughts, but I know exactly what you mean. Good luck on your upcoming promotion. You are a bright young woman and I know you will do well.

     
  • At 7:18 PM, Blogger Gary said…

    I get the same on a regular basis. It normally comes after I work through the night to edit a newspaper and/or magazine. Or eating cheese, which amounts to the same thing I suppose.

     
  • At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's interesting how the morning can make it seem as though everything has "reset"...

     
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