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Thursday, April 21, 2005
This is the Last Stop
I debated with myself quite a bit whether I wanted to post on this. On the one hand, I try to be truthful to the spirit with which I started this blog and post things that are having an effect on my life. On the other hand, there are some things that I'm dealing with that I never post about, usually because they involve someone else's story and I don't feel like I have a right to tell it for them. However, that isn't the case with this incident. The reason I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about this is because I don't want to give the impression that I'm in a place where I try to keep tabs on my ex and where things that he does still affect my daily life. I'm not there anymore. I'm also not in a place where I have any love for him anymore or even think about getting back together with him. Granted, it took me about a year to get to that place, but after a 3 year relationship, I don't think that's so bad.

I found out yesterday, and believe me, I didn't ask, that he got married.

I'd never really properly broken up, to say nothing of being summarily dumped online, with anyone before Ben. And it was absolutely horrid. Then about 6 months later, just when I was starting to feel like a normal person again, I found out that he cheated on me with an old girlfriend at some point during our relationship. At which point I felt like we were breaking up all over again, because if there were one thing I would always have said nice about him, it would be that he never lied to me. I was quite shaken up when I found out that he was seeing someone again; it stung quite a bit, I'll admit. Especially when I found out who she was.

So this is it right? This is the last thing that he could do that could possibly hurt me, right? I don't like being lied to. It made me angry, but I should have known (it's in all the books) that when someone says they don't think they want to get married ever, that they aren't sure they ever want to make that kind of a commitment, that what they're really saying is "I don't' want to marry you."

This morning, when I woke up and thought about it, I could honestly say, "better her than me." He was the wrong person for me in so many ways. I have to believe that if I keep waiting...I have to believe that God will eventually show me this wonderful man that He had planned for me all along. That Ben, and the other men that I've dated, were just ways for Him to point out characteristics that my wonderful many will or will not possess. It has to be His way of showing me how much I'm worth.

The heart that hurts is a heart that beats. Can you hear the drummer slowing? One step closer to knowing. --U2 One Step Closer

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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7 Comments:
  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    FROM MY BROTHER:
    Your blog doesn't tell me how you feel.
    Are you truly relieved? Are you sad? Angry? Hurt?
    What are you feeling?

    MY RESPONSE:
    I was so angry yesterday when I found out. I wanted to scream and throw something.

    I also felt like he won this race at happiness that we started running when we broke up. And that it was really unfair. He was the cheater. He was the liar. And he got what I want.

    This morning I really feel calm and OK. Like it doesn’t really have anything to do with me. Which I guess it doesn’t.

     
  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger T.A.B. said…

    Hi Lori.

    I don't know your ex. I don't know you either. However, I hope you find some comfort in these thoughts:

    1. If he cheated on you, then he doesn't deserve you.

    2. If he cheated on you, then there's a chance he'll cheat on his wife, which could result in a bitter divorce.

     
  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    You know, Bob, I've had those same thoughts myself. Especially the second one.

    Well, she'll probably be a good first wife for him.

    That was mean. I should delete it.

     
  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger Amanda said…

    Lying and cheating are awful things to do to a person you supposedly care about. That's the badness that's in him and luckily, you escaped it.

    It's the goodness in him you miss and crave but you can find that in someone else - someone who won't hurt you.

     
  • At 10:55 PM, Blogger Becky said…

    I don't know if I can say more than what Bob and Amanda did, but it reminds me of When Harry Met Sally -- in that it probably hurts more b/c you're questioning your own self-worth.

    I'm really sorry to hear he cheated on you, and I'm sure you know that not people are like that. There's someone out there that's a good fit for you and who will treat you as you deserve. I give them maybe two years.

     
  • At 7:42 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said…

    Very true, B, but nobody came over and let me snot on their shoulder! I love that movie.

    Favorite quote:
    Sally: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week
    underpants.
    Harry: Ehhhh! I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
    Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one
    day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where
    had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
    Harry: What?
    Sally: They don't make Sunday.
    Harry: Why not?
    Sally: Because of God.

     
  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous becky said…

    You are so much better than him and you will find someone who will love you and respect you.

    Once a cheater always a cheater. I doubt he will treat his wife any better than he treated you.

     
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