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Writing Tripe Since 2004
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Remember a few posts ago when I blogged about the telephone ringing at night? And how since receiving that late night call when my father died, I can't think "drunk dial" anymore when I hear that ringing late at night? And how it's mainly because I'm not sure how I'd hold my mother together again? I suppose I was slightly more ambiguous than that, but that's what it boiled down to.

You see, my mother is stronger than she knows, but still somehow very small and fragile. And despite being the baby of the family, and the only girl, I am the designated mom keeper. Please don't think I'm being crass. I love her, and when something happens to my family, my first thought is, and will always be, I have to get to my mother. It was when my dad died, it was when her oldest sister died at the end of June, and it was yesterday at 2.35pm when she called me crying to tell me that the next sister in line had died: my Aunt Sandy.

I have two older brothers. One lives in Oregon and one lives in Texas. They have their own lives their own families, and that great, and seemingly insurmountable, excuse of distance between them and us. So it's me. I don't get to grieve, I don't get to cry. I make sure my mother doesn't fall apart. I make sure she eats. I make sure she sleeps. I field phone calls. I intercept and deliver condolences.

I know that people are going to read this post and think "what a selfish little bitch." But the thing is, sometimes, and especially at times like this, I still feel like a stumbling, bumbling, sad little girl. I feel like this is what the rest of my life is going to be as an adult, just waiting for the next person to die. I feel like I'm the one who needs just a little bit of the consoling I give to my mother. I feel angry, because this is what my father is supposed to be doing right now. And I don't have anywhere to go with all this, certainly my mother will never see it.

So I'm blogging it. Which I'll probably regret, especially after my brother reads it. But there you go. You can hate me now.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
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