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Writing Tripe Since 2004
BlogYear in Review 2005

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Wednesday, August 31, 2005
The ringing did not meld into my dreams. No, it abruptly and completely woke me out of them. Before I even realized that I was awake, I felt adrenalin coursing through me. Before I realized that I was awake at 2.42 am because the phone had rung, I had lifted myself to my elbows, listening.

The second ring brought conscious thought. "Who this time?" "Not again."

My mother's answering machine picks up after 3 rings. I wait for the third to fade away and pad slowly, mechanically, down the stairs, my heart beating as if I had run down 15 flights. I stop about 5 feet from the answering machine and stare at it. "Who will it be? How will I hold her together again?" But both the phone and the answering machine hanging on the kitchen wall are silent. Long after I needed to, I stand waiting for the red light to blink, then turn around to stare at my mobile phone on the table. Nothing.

Heart rate returning to normal, I trudge back up the stairs and climb back into my bed. I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling, remembering. And thinking about how this is one of the few occurrences in my life where the melodrama isn't self-created or intentional, but instinctual. Thinking about people who say, "at least when you lost him you were finished growing up. At least it won't leave a scar."
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Has it spoiled you, too?
So I'm sitting at my desk at 4.30 trying to figure out if I want to be with people or by myself tonight. Somehow that train of thought leads to this: "Maybe I should start keeping a journal again to write in and express those really personal feelings." Then I thought, "But what for, who would see it?"

Blogging has done this to me.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Slightly past-mid year resolution

I need to take more pictures. I need to bring cameras to times when I'm just hanging out with my friends, not only when it's someone's birthday outing, or a vacation, or some other special occasion.

Perhaps the reason I don't do this already is because I don't have a camera phone, or even a digital camera. That would be a good excuse, but I don't think it's the reason. The reason isn't even that I'm lazy. It's that those events that make up the majority of my existence, while pleasant, they don't feel particularly special at the time. "Sure I'd love to come over for dinner and hang out." Who thinks of that as an event worthy of recording? But those are just the sort of times I'm going to look back on in my quickly-approaching old age and wish I had recorded.

People move in and out of our lives so fast. Relationships morph, communications falter, life changes and you look back and realize that you don't have proof of any of it.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Some things you never knew you wanted to know about me
In general, I am not a neat and organized person. In fact, when I finally received the title to my car in the mail, I had my mom keep it. I've lost things like that before. There are certain things though, about which I'm very particular. For one, I'm quite organized at work. Especially the way I have my computer set up.

What prompted this entry was my accidentally shutting down Outlook while closing out a few other programs (read: web browser windows). But, you see, I always have to have Outlook as the very first program on my I had to close out all my programs and reopen them again so Outlook would be on top. Also, unlike most people I know, my task bar must be on the right hand side of my screen. Observe:
Also take note of my carefully organized "Quick Launch Toolbar." This is so I neither have to go to my desktop nor my Start button for my most frequently accessed programs. I have even created quick launch icons that take me to two of the directories I use most frequently. When I do use my desktop, however, all my icons must be lined up in neat and straight little rows like so:
All of this is in complete contrast from the rest of my life. The inside of my car looks like a person addicted to Dunkin Donuts Coffee has been living in it for months, my dresser drawers take whatever the laundry basket throws their way, and I couldn't possibly tell you where the paperwork from last years tax returns is located, although I know I made all the requisite copies.

I lead a double life.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Lori, you can be such a bitch!
I don't usually post much about work anymore, but this is too funny not to share. And the only person it reflects badly on is me, so I figured it would be OK.

I have a dreaded duty at work. It's slightly outside of the normal scope of things I do, and I really don't have any expertise at it. Unlike the majority of what I do here, it's something I don't enjoy. Hey, it's not a bad deal to have a job where you only have to do one thing you don't like, is it?

Anyway, I got an internal call this morning from a co-worker asking me to change something having to do with this duty. She wasn't presumptious about it at all, something just needed to be done. So I pleasantly tell her, sure, give me 5 minutes and it will be done. Like I'm supposed to do. Well then evil Lori appears as soon as I am off speaker phone. "Are you f-ing ridiculous," I say aloud. "I mean seriously, all you have to do is _____, it would take five seconds but you have to call and ask me to do it." In other words I was being completely and unreasonably grumpy about a simple request which I could have done in the time it took me to bitch about it. I look over at my phone and it still says "Call from ______".

*faint* *panic* I quickly hang up, but it's too late. One of my favorite people in the office has heard me say she's f-ing ridiculous and it's not like I meant it, evil Lori had taken over my body. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?????

I'm a girl, right? So I decide I'll cry. Crying always works with women of her generation. I run down to her office summoning all the sniffles I can muster on short notice. I slip into her office with my head down. "I'm so sorry, I've had a really bad day." (True, in so far as it goes, and I'm absolutely ashamed of myself at this point.) "Awwww," she says and gets up from her desk and gives me a hug. "What are you sorry for, what did you do? Can I help you with anything?"

Oh blessed relief. Somehow she didn't hear that outburst of mine. How she didn't I don't know but SHE DID NOT. Safe. Safe and even more ashamed of myself after hearing her ask me what she can do for me!

That'll learn you, you silly little girl.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I just have to say...
That I look pretty damn cute today. So there.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Monday, August 15, 2005
How's that for sitting on the fence?
Thanks to Sarah.

Your Political Profile

Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Why I Hated High School
Reason 1:

Remember how you felt inside like your entire life was in upheaval, but there was really nothing going on outside of your own tumultuous thoughts? Or how you felt like everyone should understand what was happening inside your head. I hated high school because I looked the same, but felt so different. Remember how even while you were hating it and hating the emotional turmoil a part of you loved it and was just hanging on for the ride? That part of you that watched yourself cry in the mirror.

I feel like I'm in high school.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Friday, August 12, 2005
You's funny...
I was complaining in another post that my life hasn't changed at all lately. People I haven't seen in a few months say, "what's new" and I've got nothing. "Um...I only paid $3.50 for these cute flip flops from Old Navy?"

Well now I've got something.

But I'm not going to blog about it.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
"The permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality. The permanent defeat of life comes when dreams are surrendered to reality."
This quote from James Michener was in my inbox when I got to work this morning. And as I woke up today with a strange feeling of what I can only describe as expectation, but with nothing specific to expect, this quote really sat me up straight. Quite a few people I know, especially in the blogosphere, are thinking about uprooting. Changing everything. This has a certain appeal to me, and I have done it before. I get what I like to call (perhaps not flatteringly) itchy feet--that urge to shake things up. I'm sure I'm not alone there. But while I have been having those feelings lately, I have pretty much determined that for my health, wealth, and well-being I need to stay put for at least another year. This does not mean, however, that I've given up my dreams.

So on this 10th day of August, in the year 2005, I've decided to record for posterity the things that I think about doing. Some are possibilities within the next couple of years, some more far-fetched, but, like Michener, I refuse to surrender them.

  1. Go back to school full-time and get my Masters in Editing and Publishing from Emerson College in Boston. It has to be full-time. I really respect people who are taking a class here and there at night and still plowing through and working full time. But I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be able to focus like that.
  2. Go back to England. I want to take a literary tour of Great Britain and go to places that I would never have gone with my ex. I want to exorcise, if that's the right word, him from my love affair with that country which existed long before he came into my life. I plan on starting by buying this book: A Reader's Guide to Writers' Great Britain.
  3. Live in Boston. This one fits in with the whole Emerson College plan, but could end up being separate from it, too.
  4. Work in London. Oh how I would love to work for a publishing house in London. If they knew how much, and that I would work for a pittance just for the experience, I'm sure they would be knocking down my door. I wish I knew how to accomplish this one, but with working visas and the like, I wouldn't even know where to start.
  5. Own a used book shop. This is my dream for the future when I've done all my growing up (nope not done yet) and I've picked my spot in the world. I want the shop to be in a big old house, with the rooms divided into categories and filled with bookshelves. I will have friendly fat old purring cats which will inhabit the stacks and a dog on the braided rug near where I sit to do the books. Somehow, it won't matter whether the shop is profitable or not. I'll have regulars who come in and know that I'll have something put behind the counter that they'll love.
There are more, but those are the main ones. It's not a checklist or anything, but just something to keep me plugging away day after day, content for the moment with where I am because it's helping to get me where I want to be.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Raising Awareness of a Growing Problem
My diehard readers (ha ha) are no doubt wondering at the relative infrequency of my posts lately. I used to faithfully post everyday. I seemed to have an unending fount of topics, from (my personal favorite) myself, to, well...usually myself. Yet the posts have slackened. My life hasn't changed much, and I was willing myself to come up with some sort of explanation for my fans, without whom I wouldn't be where I am today. Oh, and my mother, hi Mom...Wait, that's another speech I'm writing. Anyway...I'd like to direct you all here:

To a Nonist Public Service Pamphlet

This should give you a good idea of what I've been going through lately. It's not pretty, but I really believe it happens to all of us and I will come out of this a better person in the end.

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Monday, August 08, 2005
I realized that my post from Friday may have made it seem like I was trying get married men to stray from their wives. This is not so. The post was pretty much a joke. I happened to put on the lotion and what I recounted happened, with slight exaggeration on my part. So there.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Friday, August 05, 2005
This morning I woke up having one of those rare mornings when I felt pretty good about myself in general. It's a funny thing, really, because it's Friday so I'm just wearing jeans and a dark green T-shirt that says "Waterloo Ice House, Austin TX" and beige flip-flops. Not very flirty, is it? But so far at least 5 guys have paused to say something to me while walking by my office. And you want to know why?

Because I have found it! I have found the scent that is irresistible to men of all ages, occupations, interests, and marital statuses. I simply apply this scent whenever I crave male attention, and suddenly married men are asking if they can/threatening to lick me. (Yes, I realize this might not be what all of you are going for, but you know those days when you just really want someone to acknowledge your womanly existence?)

Ladies, I present to you one of last year's holiday scents from Bath & Body Works:

Yes, that's right: Vanilla Bean Noel. I think it smells like wet, white cake mixed prior to popping it in the oven. Some think it smells like cotton candy, some think cookies. But it, apparently, sends out tendrils of sweet sugary goodness wafting down my hallway and draws otherwise oblivious, ink-stained engineers into my office, luring them so persistently that I begin to fear I shall have to dive under my desk.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
How I Manage to be Happy Most of the Time
We can all agree that existence can be pretty depressing at times. What with things that happen directly to us, things that happen in the world around us, and things that sit inside our head that haven't happened yet--but could--one could feel like drowning in misery most of the time.

But sometimes I'll be somewhere and this feeling of total well-being will envelop me, like a little gift from God. Like the other day I was driving into work on the first cool morning after a month long heat wave. It was just barely misty, and the air smelled so wonderful. I drove past this bright white board fence, set against which were the greenest of green trees, wet grass, and mist rising off a pond. It was so beautiful and peaceful, and I realized that my little corner of the world is still beautiful and peaceful, and that made me quite lucky. For that moment, everything was perfect. I went on to my crazy day at work and somehow that little bit of peace stayed with me for the rest of the day.

The trick is, I think, to be open to those moments. They are gifts. As a wise friend of mine once said, "it's a hard thing to realize that we aren't owed happiness." But as soon as you can realize that fact, the moments in which you are happy mean more; you start to look out for them instead of just expecting them to come to you.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer

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