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Writing Tripe Since 2004
BlogYear in Review 2005

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Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Austin Skyline
Posted by Hello
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
1 day, 6 hours, 45 minutes
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she'd gone back to Austin
'Cause she talked about it all the time
--Blake Shelton

Tomorrow evening, I'll be on a plane heading for Austin. I still have to pack. That was the goal for yesterday night, but after my second load of laundry I said, "I'll just lay down for a second." And next thing I knew it was this morning and there was a load of wet clothes still in the washing machine. Packing is so hard. I don't want to have just exactly enough outfits to get me through. I want to be able to just wake up on a certain day and feel like wearing something and have it be there. Still, the goal is one suitcase, a backpack, and a small boat and tote for my carry-on, because it stows nicely under the seat in front of me. If you haven't discovered the joys of the boat and tote, ladies, I highly recommend them. —I have one in every size, including the mini one they did special for Valentines Day.

Here's some of the things I have planned so far.

July 2--See Cory Morrow at Sunset Pier
July 3--possible BBQ at Mark's (the one that writes the great movie reviews, see link to left) This is still unconfirmed.
July 4--Austin has a great celebration and fireworks in town. Stoked!
July 5--Hear Bruce Campbell speak and see screening of his new movie
July 6-7--Galveston with my brother
July 9--BBQ that Ana and I organized to get all my scattered Austin friends together. It's going to be so great!!

Woo hoo! I always start with good blogging intentions, but if I don't post frequently, don't forget about me. I need the attention. :)

Here's something I wrote about Austin last time I was there. I posted it before, but here it is again:

In the airplane I see sun glinting on the skyline. A thrum starts within me and beats in synchronicity with the massive engine obscuring my view. Touch down, then walking. I spread my body on concrete the same temperature as my insides. Palms spread to feel the rise and fall, ear to the ground and the heartbeat is there underneath like always. I slow my breathing to match. I let the city fill me. Let it make me comfortable in this body again. My skin fits better here, I am the same out as in.

A woman walks three bulldogs. A cowboy eats dinner beside two women in business suits. The people glow here. They walk with a love of the ground beneath them. A woman rocks a baby on her front porch at sunset, singing a lullaby in time with the beat always rising from the earth. A street musician carries her tune to where he plays for change. The city orchestrates our movements, our sounds. Like blood we flow through her streets in an unending flow, pushed to our destinations by the strong heart within her.

P.S. I'm pretty sure that a more recent picture of the skyline would include a HUGE new skyscraper. I like it better this way, although it is a pretty building.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Please! Do not, like, let us corrupt you!
I have always been impressed by multi-lingual people. In especial, one thing I have always admired about European people (look out for a sweeping generalization here) is that many of them fluently speak English (and probably other tongues), as well as their first language. The fact that they can appear on an American television or radio program and sound well-versed and intelligent is much more than I, or many other Americans, could do in English, say nothing about in a second language.

But let me warn you: do not mimic us! We are not the gold standard, trust me. I bring this up because I was listening to National Public Radio last night. They have a program in the evenings called "The World" which is a co-production with Public Radio International and the BBC. They had a really interesting interview, which you can listen to here (look for the June 27, 2005 edition), about people using "video letters" to reunite friends who had lost each other during the wars in the former Yugoslavia. The two people involved, I can't remember their names, were really trying to do something on a individual level to heal that area. They conducted the interview in English,without a translator, and did marvelously well...until...

I was shocked to hear one gentleman describing dialog (quotes are approximate):
"So I was like 'did you want to make a video letter?'"
"And he goes like 'video letter?'"

Arrrrgh! No! We did that to you? We made you think that was right? I talk like that, in casual speech, I know I do, but it's not right. I'm sorry to see others picking up our informal speech patterns without realizing they are just that, informal and incorrect.

I encourage you to listen to the interview, though. It's small gestures like the above which will, I think, ultimately do the healing of this world. Grand gestures like Live 8 will be forgotten by most concert goers as soon as their hangover wears off.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Monday, June 27, 2005
Well...since you didn't ask...
I'm drawing a blank when it comes to something interesting to post on, so I thought I'd answer a few questions that none of you asked from my mailbag that doesn't exist:

1. Song I absoultely can't listen to without thinking of a specific moment in my life:

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls--I danced with my date (who thought of me as a little sister when I didn't think of him that way at all) to my college's senior formal to this song. That entire evening he made me feel so incredibly special. During this song he grabbed my hand, folded it up in his, put it over his heart and danced the rest of the song with it that way. I think it's possibly the most romantic gesture anyone has ever paid me. And the words seemed to fit perfectly with what I was feeling at that moment.

2. Most perfect moment with friends

This has a song to go with it also, actually. It was the summer of my sophmore year in collge. My best friend was dating a guy who had a Jeep. We spent a lot of time in his jeep with the top down that summer, sometimes more clothed than others. However, this particular time we were driving to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire, on a perfect summer day. We were listening to Mint Car by the Cure. We were laughing and talking and it was one of those rare times where you wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but where you are right that moment. Later that day I dropped my disposable camera in the ladies' toilet, so a few of the pictures from that day came out a bit blurry...I wonder what happened to them.

3. Time (post childhood) when I felt the most safe

I think this issue of feeling safe is more of a girl thing. Or perhaps just a neurosis of mine. But anyway. A guy friend was visiting me. It was kind of a friends with benefits situation. For some reason, he really wanted me to watch this movie, Kull. I was more than willing to watch, but it just wasn't my thing. I remember falling asleep wrapped in a blanket, sitting on his lap with that sound of warriors in battle ringing in my ears.

4. Thing I've done that I bet none of you have.

When I was in sixth grade I was chosen (by some mysterious and undemocratic process) to be "Acting Hilltown Township Supervisor" along with one other classmate and a few kids from other schools in the district. We went to the Township Building for a real town meeting at which we got to pretend we were the supervisors and I got to bang the gavel. I'm not sure why, but I got a plaque (is that how you spell plaque? Or is that only the goo on your teeth?) for accomplishing this feat.

5. Favorite Simon and Garfunkel Song

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Friday, June 24, 2005
You are *so* funny
I'm not much up for a deep and meaningful post today. And you probably don't care that this weekend I'm going to be dogsitting, etc. So I thought I'd just tell you a funny I made, of which I was particularly proud. I'm sure it won't get 13 comments like my last post. I think that was a record for me, although I probalby shouldn't count my own comments.


I was out to eat with two of my friends, who happen to be married to each other. We were all on the salad course. They had Caesar salad and I had a regular house salad. "MMMM," I exclaimed. "These are the best croutons I've ever had, they must make them here."

Whereupon friend 1 proceeded to take all the croutons off his Caesar salad and put them on mine. "Don't do that, you can't eat a Caesar salad without croutons!" said I.

"Why?" asked friend 1.

Drumroll please...

"Because you have to render unto Caesar that which is Caesars!"

Thanks! Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Now You've Done It
I was home last night. Doing nothing. My roommate went out with her friend. I ate goldfish crackers for dinner and watched the first season of Sex and the City on DVD (again). So that's pretty lame, yeah? Just wait.

I wandered over to the computer and prepared to bear the glacier-slow dial-up in order to finally order DSL. (Oh, the thrill.) Somehow I end up on Craigslist looking at the men seeking women ads. Oh they were awful. They either used IM speak: "if ur hot, email me ur pic." Or just plain didn't bother to read over what they wrote before they posted. Is it bad that this is a pet peeve of mine? I'm absolutely not claiming that I never make mistakes in what I post, but when you are specifically setting out to impress someone... I noticed this when I was using the online dating services too. If they used the wrong "your" or the wrong "too" I pretty much eliminated them. Hey, we all have our things, right? Take some time, take a little care, that's all I'm asking. Is gauging someone's overall intelligence by their grammar so much worse than a guy looking at my picture and making judgments about me because I'm overweight?

Anyway, that's really beside the point. I got fed up. Fed up with not going out, fed up with my expectations, fed up with crappy personal ads. Just fed up. So I decided to post an ad of my own, mainly just to vent. Here it is:

The Truth

The truth is, it's hard to read these ads in which people do not know the difference between "your" and "you're"; these ads in which people trying to find someone attractive, intelligent, and funny do not even bother checking the spelling of their post.

So I thought I'd post instead. I'm 5'6; I have beautiful green eyes.

The truth: I'm slightly to the left side of thin, but I can still shop at the Gap. I'm an editor, so speaking and writing well are important to me. I'm funny in a bitter, I'm-an-optimist-who-tries-so-hard-to-be-cynical kind of way. I like to read real books. I like to listen to music. I like to travel and go hiking. I have a blog, but I won't write about you unless you want me to.

The truth is that I want to find a guy who will laugh with me. I want a guy who takes the time to see all that I have to offer. I want a guy who will, above everything else that we are to each other, be my best friend.

The truth is, I realize that the above is usually considered a fairy tale. But what the heck, I've been waiting this long.

(After all that, I better make damn sure I didn't make any mistakes, huh.)

Notice I didn't say "email me if you are interested." I didn't say "your pic gets mine." I did, snobbily, say that grammar is important. Oh and the whole "real books" thing, was quite elitist, don't you think?

That was at around 9pm last night. I've gotten 22 responses so far. A couple called me on my punctuation. They said I should have put a question mark after huh. I actually thought about that, but made the call to go with the period because in my head it was less of a question than a small noise at the end of the sentence. They might be right. One said that if I'm 28 and still shop at the Gap my taste in clothes is as bad as the grammar I despise, or something like that. I wonder where he shops? Some were blah, some were quirky or witty, or have a bit of possibility. But now what do I do? It feels wrong to just ignore them all, but this morning...I'm just not sure if I'm up for all that.

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Get Up There!!!
**First I'd like to warn you all that I've been reading Henry James. Hence sentences like the ones from the previous post: "Because it isn't, joyously, me anymore." and "Oh, it's nothing horrible; but it does, I hope, prove that I've come a long way in the past four years of my life."

Now, I think this post might be related, in a sense, to my previous post. Ever since I was a little girl, I've had be people in my life that I just wanted to devour. I want to live inside them. There's just something about them that makes them amazing. Strenth or savvy, grace or eloquence. Rung by rung they climb my ladder and are placed on my pedestal (which, for whatever reason, I have always pictured more as a Corinthian column). And once they are up there, there they are stuck.

That's a lot for a normal human being to live up to. And, because they are human, they inevitably fall down...usually on my head.

The first person up there was probably my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Lord. (Yes, Mrs. Lord.) She was so smart, and she knew all these songs. Then one day, she was probably having a bad day, and she yelled at me for not being able to find a letter "L" (for Lori) to stand on on the alphabet rug. I cried for hours. The fact that I still remember this so clearly says something.

Then there was "Moose" from the program You Can't Do that On Television. Oh, I just thought she was so cool. She was older, she could probably even drive. I wrote her a letter. By the time I got an answer (from some intern, probably), she wasn't even on the show anymore and was in college for film. Haven't seen her in anything, either. HA!

Fast forward to high school and my French teacher, Ms. Cowles. I still think she's amazing. I used to write her notes during my study hall. She read all my horrible teenage poetry and found things in it to praise. She took us all to France. One day in high school, I brought her my journal and asked her to write something in it, and she wrote a lovely note to me. I wanted to be her. I wanted to consume her. How she must have wanted to shake me sometimes. We actually ended up being friends, after I graduated. I went to the same college as she did, partly because she had gone there. We would go out to dinner or watch a movie occasionally. She was high on the pedestal, but I could actually hang out with her. She still sends me Christmas and Easter cards, but she doesn't write back to letters anymore. She's married now and very happy...I went to her wedding (yes, as an invited guest).

There are more, but you get the point, and are probably getting the straight jacket.

This Corinthian monstrosity is, I am sure, part of my problem with the men in my life, or lack thereof. They get halfway up the ladder, realize where they are and what it means, and take a flying leap off as fast as they can. I need to somehow show people what I have to give, to allow myself to be on equal footing with them, and to not automatically assume they are superior to me. I do not need a boyfriend to be a father figure, just because I don't have a father anymore. I do not need a boyfriend to be a teacher. (Or a preacher...ha, now that George Michael song will be stuck in your head all day!) It's strange, sometimes I see myself so clearly. I can see the things that draw people to me and the things that push people away. Other times, I have a really hard time seeing what would make someone want to be around me. Those times, I think, are when the pedestal comes out.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Monday, June 20, 2005
The Search
Did you ever run across something while looking for something else? And that thing you's something you never expected to see again, something you didn't even know you had?

I was looking through my computer files today, trying to get rid of some stuff, and I came across something that I am surprised I even saved. It certainly doesn't reflect well on me...this poor, pathetic, begging Lori of four or five years ago. Oh, it's nothing horrible; but I does, I hope, prove that I've come a long way in the past four years of my life...begun to realize what I'm worth...begun to see that the only person worth getting on my knees for is God.

I don't think I've really ever posted anything this personal on here before. It's kind of like posting a chunk of my heart, and it semi-exposes someone who might be upset by it. However, I feel compelled to put it out there, to put it far away from me. Because it isn't, joyously, me anymore.

It's an exchange on what for all intents and purposes is an Instant Messaging Service:

You say 'you make me laugh'
M smiles
You say 'you support me'
M says 'all in absentia'
You say 'not always'
M nods
You say 'i don't think you realize sometimes'
You say 'i feel like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop'
M says ‘the other shoe?'
You say 'like obviously i don't REALLY love you and i'm going to get fed up with you sooner or later'
M says 'that's not really the case'
You say 'or maybe you hope i will'
M knows you won't
You ask 'scary?'
M says 'I dunno'
M says 'I seem to be just bumbling along'
You ask 'with me or in general?'
M says 'with you I suppose'
M doesn't want to leave you
You say 'well, good.'
M says ‘what can I do?'
You say 'but you aren't willing to make any changes in your life plan for me
M says 'I have to do the right thing for my actual life'
M says 'like money and the plan and
You say 'so i'm not right for your actually life? ME, not my circumstance or location'
M says 'it's not that
M says 'I didn't mean that anyway’
M would be pretty unhappy with a permanent job over there I think perhaps I should just go for the contracts
You say 'it's weird that you think of a permanent job as really PERMANEMT
M says 'it's permanent enough'
M says 'two years at least'
M looks shifty enough as it is on the cv
You emote : lORi would give you two years
M says 'the thing is'
M says 'I REALLY don't think anyone is going to think I am worth going to the time and expense of getting me a work permit
M isn't hot property in the IT market
You say 'so it'll be me then, i'll move'
M says 'how'
You say 'i'll stay here and move up some..i'll become a PM'
You say 'then i'll get a job'
You say 'over there'
M says 'I think there'd be way less chnace of that happening than me moving there'
You say 'the thing is'
You say 'i've invested 3 years of my life in loving you...and we deserve a chance.'
You say '3 years is a long time'
M says 'but it's not really 3 years as such
You say 'to just wipe away'
You say 'it is three years to me'
You say 'i've loved you for 3 years'
You say 'regardless of where i was'
M nods
You say 'i feel like you won't even try, though'
M asks 'ever think how hard it'd be to move?'
You say 'of course'
M was thinking I might want to stay in ____
You ask 'yeah?'
M nods
M says 'it could take two months to organise a job in the usa, at least'
You say 'i thought you said they weren't offering you enough money to keep you afloat'
M says 'if they offer a rise they mentioned
You say 'that's why i've been asking you if you applied to any
M sighs
M says 'ok'
M says 'well let's do it then'
M says '___ records can wait'
You say 'no'
M says 'I'll aply for some'
You say 'you'll start to hate me'
M will?
M would not hate you
You say 'i don't like picking at you, you know'
M nods
You say 'and i so want you to be happy'
You say 'i just want that happiness to include me'
M nods
M says 'it'd be nice'
You say 'i try not to compare us to other people'
You say 'but it's hard when ____ and ___ are charging forward with greencards and all and getting what they want'
M says 'they got married'
You say 'yes, they did'
You say 'because they loved each other
M just doesn't know
You ask 'but are you searching or are you just content with not knowing?'
M asks 'searching
You say 'it's always been for me...if you love someone you get married'
You say 'i'm not saying that's right'
You say 'just the way i've been programmed'
M says 'I might love you
You say '____ and ___have been going out for nine years and want to have a baby next year, and they aren't getting married'
M asks 'but are you the right person for me to marry
You say 'are you asking me? ;o)
You say 'cos i'd have to say, yes, of course i am.'
M smiles
M says 'you know how I always try to see the good in people'
You exclaim 'yes!'
M says 'what if I'm just not critical enough'
You say 'you certainly aren't blind to my faults'
You say 'you've watched me get better'
M nods
You say 'at some things'
You say 'and noticed the difference'
M asks 'but are you just doing it for me?'
You say 'i can honestly say no to that, because until you told me i was getting better, growing up...i didn't know that i was...i wasn't trying
You say 'I just had a lot of stuff happen'
M nods
You say ‘and I joined Weight Watchers’
M asks 'why tho?'
You say 'you made me think about some tough things'
M nods
You say 'it was time'
M nods
You say 'I wanted to come out of this cocoon of fat
You say 'and like myself'
M says 'that'd be good'
You say 'i'm starting'
M says ':)'
lORi is quite proud of herself lately
M smiles
M proud too
You say 'awww'
You ask 'you want to know why i think i'd be a good wife in general?'
You ask 'besides the fact that i like video games?'
You emote : lORi grins
M says 'heh'
M asks 'why?'
You say 'because i want to continue to have my own life and you to have yours. I really do. i've seen both kinds of marriage.'
M nods
You say 'i understand your concerns...the thing is...i don't think anything is ever going to trigger the feeling that "I KNOW FOR ABSOLUTELY SURE THIS IS RIGHT AND NOTHING WILL EVER GO WRONG WITH IT"'
You say 'with anyone, not just me'
M nods
M says 'you're right'
You say 'that's why people get cold feet, nothing's guaranteed'
M says 'oh I know that'
You say 'you just have to talk lots and be honest and give the benefit of the doubt and care about the other person's happiness'
You emote : lORi coughs
You emote : lORi stops
You emote : lORi pulled you in here to tell you something good
M says 'you have'
You say 'not to have a heart to heart'
M smiles
M says 'the only way you could come over is by being married
You say 'so i haven't convinced you to ask me to marry you yet? ;o)'
M hasn't convinced myself
You emote : lORi nods
You say 'we'll be OK, whatever happens'
M ponders going out on the skiis
M nods
You say 'ooh yeah, go'
M well
You say 'but it's dark'
M says 'it is, that's not a problem'
M says 'should I ski out into the bay'
M says 'or just go along the path'

Who was that girl? Begging for love. Trying to fit round pegs into square holes. Convinced that everything would eventually work out like a fairy tale, regardless of his obvious ambivalence, his passiveness. When every word he typed, and some that he didn't were screaming, "It's not you. It will never be you." Who was that girl? How could that have been me?
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Friday, June 17, 2005
Ah, the weekend!
What's your most favorite thing to do on a gorgeous summer weekend?
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Watch Your Mouth Young Lady!
The year was 1999.* I was looking forward to May and graduating from college, but I had to get through finals first. I was a commuter, so getting to those finals involved a 40 minute drive in my 1985 Chevrolet Celebrity. We'd gotten pretty close, the Celebrity and I. Perhaps because every winter, starting it involved:
  1. Turning the key with no result
  2. Getting out in the freezing cold and opening the hood
  3. Sticking my trusty bic pen in the choke
  4. Getting back in the car and turning the key until the engine turned over
  5. Getting out of the car again, taking the pen out of the choke and slamming down the hood
  6. Driving to wherever I was going, knowing I'd have to repeat the process when I left.
But this little story isn't about Letty the Chevy Celebrity, not really. Although on the morning in question I was running a bit late to get to my first final and I had to stop for fuel. I filled up my car and walked into the convenience store to pay. There was a line twisting around the magazines, all the way back to the milk! As I got in the back of the line with a sigh, the man in front of me mumbled "Please let me get it this time." Deducing that he wasn't talking about the Twinkie in his hand, I remembered that there was a huge powerball lottery drawing scheduled for that evening. That explained the line then. $34 million dollars worth of explanation.

But before I had the chance to get really impatient a voice could be heard in the distance, coming from the direction of the cash register. "Is anyone here for anything other than a lottery ticket?"

Salvation! I might just make the final!

I stood on my tiptoes and waved my twenty dollar bill in the air. And at the top of my lungs, I cried out in desperation mingled with hope:


*This blast from the past is brought to you partly by Adamant and his blog, whose reminiscences brought me to the realization that blog topics don't always have to come from your present situation.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Dash of the Titan
I've said before that I'm at my happiest when I am around dogs. I've also said that at this point in my life, I do not have the lifestyle of a good dog owner. So I don't have a dog of my own. But I jump at the chance to spend time with anyone else's.

Yesterday I met Titan. Titan is a Boxer/St. Bernard mix. As you can see from the picture below, he's got mostly St. B features, but what you can't see is that he's got these long Boxer legs he hasn't quite grown into yet. He's 11 weeks old and already weighs 16 pounds! And Titan's still got a lot of growing left to do. He's so cute you want to eat him with a spoon.

His owner is spending a lot of time now (the right time) teaching him good behavior; he's going to be a good little man for her. Better than the majority of human men that's for sure!

Titan enjoys trips to the front yard, cookies shaped like lions, and chasing flip-flops.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer

Posted by Hello
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, June 14, 2005

One small step for Lorikind...isn't that cool?
You know, I was going to white out my last name, like I've done previously. But then I realized that if you scrolled over my email link you'd see my last name anyway. Plus, I've probably slipped a hundred times by now. So there you go. Anyway, I'm in a real scientific journal. Woo hoo! Posted by Hello
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Monday, June 13, 2005

See? Oh, by the way, I can't count. Looks even more suspicious than you thought, right? Posted by Hello
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Maybe they were just blinking?
Ok, so I used to have my profile on quite a few online dating sites. I got jaded and discouraged and took them all off...except one, and that was only because I can't remember my password. Anyway, I seem to still be on TRUE. And every once in a while they'll send me a newsletter or a "flirt alert," incouraging me to be the first person to wink at StudlyBlueEyes234. Whatever.

So this morning I check my yahoo mail and from Friday to Sunday 7 guys "winked" at me. I find this a bit suspicious. Was I the "profile of the day" or something? Has TRUE noticed that I haven't been active on their site in ages and suddenly had all their summer interns wink at me to see what happened? Or, more realistically, have all the men out there finally come to their sense and started to see what an amazing, brilliant, comic, and cute girl I am?
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Friday, June 10, 2005
Last night I met Hunter. She's some kind of mixed breed red hound who is spending a month with my friends who have Bailey. They lovingly refer to her as the red headed stepdog.

Hunter was a found dog. Someone, not her rescuer, did wrong by Hunter. Someone hurt her irreparably. So now, when you call her name and she thinks she's done something wrong, she immediately lays down and becomes totally unresponsive. She even rolls on her side exposing her vulnerability. But she won't come. It's like she can't even hear you at that point. She's shut herself down, waiting for what's coming...she hopes it won't, but it has come too many times for her not to take precautions. It's what she remembers. And despite all the love and hugs and time spent with her, it's still what she knows. She anticipates pain.

Yet when she's in a calm situation, lying on the floor in the living room, if you talk to her, she turns toward your voice and her ears cock a bit, and she almost smiles. She looks at you intently the whole time you are talking to her, like you are the single most interesting person she's ever known. If you talk long enough she'll sit up and come closer to you so you can scratch her head and ears and neck. She wants to love and be loved.

Always, though, lurking now in the instinctive part of her brain, is the knowledge that humans cause pain. And although I hope that in time her owner, and my friends, and maybe even I, can prove her wrong. It might be too late.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Thursday, June 09, 2005
You silly hypocrite!
I find myself getting really annoyed and frustrated when I go through my blogroll and nobody has updated. What the heck?! Why bother having a blog if you aren't going to update it? Don't they realize that this is how I get through my day. How dare they?! And now Amanda is defecting from the blog world altogether?!?! How could they do this to me?

Then I realize...hey, I haven't really updated my blog in like two days. And I still don't have anything write about.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Take a moment to vote on the critically important issue to your left...
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
The Pull
I go through cycles where for a while I'll be quite content and then there will be a long stretch where I want to uproot and try living somewhere else. In the past, I've done just that, upped and moved, tried someplace else, because I didn't really have anything holding me where I was. Jobs were pretty much disposible, I didn't have much in the way of furniture, etc.

I still go through those cycles, but it's not as simple anymore. First there's my job. It has it's ups and downs, but mainly, I still feel appreciated and challenged here. I'm not bored very often. I'm relied upon, people trust me to do my job well. Secondly, there's my mom. Since I lost my father while I was living in Texas and he was in Pennsylvania, I have an almost paralyzing fear of being out of reach and losing my mother too. This is probably not healthy. I'm sure it's not something my mother would encourage, but there it is.

That wasn't what I planned on this post being about. I was going to post about the places I feel pulled toward.

It's usually Austin. Austin again. But why? Those two years that I lived down there were certainly not among the easiest. It was nightmareishly hot quite often. I started out with a huge weight of homesickness and working at Blockbuster Video (the evil empire). I'd never lived on my own before, not even during college. I didn't know how to budget, pay bills, find apartments, grocery shop, cook for one person... I did damage to my credit history during that time that I am, truly, still paying for today. I remember sitting in my lovely apartment and realizing that I was paying more out in bills than I was making. How I thought I could afford $720 rent on $24,000 a year is something I can't even fathom now. My group of friends and I knew all the restaurants, grocery stores, and gas stations in the area that took checks, and exactly how long it took for all those checks to clear. We lived on 25 cent wings and cornbread from the Alligator Grill (that's where they filmed the restaurant scenes in Office Space, by the way).

Yet I'm smiling as I remember all was fun. I'd never gotten to do all those stupid things that you're supposed to do when you live in a dorm room on campus. I hadn't wandered home drunk at 4 in the morning. I hadn't spent money on beer and clothes instead of groceries. I hadn't met some guy at a party and...well, I hadn't done any of that rebelling. It was my time. I ended up with a great set of friends down there that I miss.

The only thing that keeps me from trying it again (besides the sweltering heat and the oppressive humidity) is that old adage, "You can never go back." I'm not that girl anymore. I couldn't live that way anymore. It just wouldn't be the same. So I just settle for tearing up the place when I go down for visit. July 1-12...Look out! Here I come!!!
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
The Lazy Lists
6 Things that are Annoying Me Right Now

  1. The knowlege that next month I might have to start billing my time at work.
  2. Anyone want to guess if I've gotten my hundred dollars back from yet?
  3. I'm 28 years old and I still live from paycheck to paycheck.
  4. My car. You know, when I bought the little blue wench you couldn't even tell if she was running at a stop light. Now she groans, squeaks, whirs, clicks. In general, she usually sounds like the tribe from The Gods Must Be Crazy, only angrier.
  5. You. (just kidding.)
  6. I should have had my yearly review (read: gotten a raise) by May 16th but my supervisor is still on maternity leave.

3 Things that are Lifting the Gloom Right Now
  1. I'll be in Austin, TX for 12 days in less than a month! Right now the plans I have include spending 2 days down in Galveston with my brother and having a huge BBQ with all my Texas friends after that.
  2. It's finally summer-like weather.
  3. Yeah that's about it.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Friday, June 03, 2005
After the business of the past couple of weeks and weekends, I'm so excited to have a real weekend. A weekend where I don't have to be anywhere or see anyone, but where it's OK if I change my mind and decide I want to do so.

My agenda is as follows:

Friday night: Read, sleep.
Saturday: Read, sleep, maybe paint trellis, buy sneakers
Sunday: Church, sleep, eat Indian food, go see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants because Rory Gilmore is in it.

That's it. How cool is that? Last weekend I was in Massachusetts, the weekend before that I was driving through Colorado, Utah, Nevada, and California. This weekend I'll be blissfully at home.

I'll try to think of something remotely interesting to post on later.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Insidious Insignificance
"You think the world revolves around you!" What a common criticism. I know I've had it said to me. My response lately has been, "Who doesn't?" Admit it or not, perhaps excepting the parent/child relationship (BUT "it would break my heart if my child were ever hurt; it would kill me if something ever happened to my child"), you are the most important person in your little world. It only stands to reason really.

I see the world everyday through these eyes, filter it through this sarcastic, optimistic, idealistic brain. I automatically and immediately gauge how an event will effect me. I continuously, and often subconsciously, take steps to protect myself, improve myself, shelter myself, put myself forward. Of course we feel for people, love people, cry for someone else's pain, share in someone else's joy. Of course we care if an action we take will hurt someone else and try to avoid that situation if we can. But behind it all, aren't we doing all these things at least partly because they have consequences for us? Perhaps I'm simply revealing myself as an utterly selfish woman.

So let's go on the premise that an individual's world does revolve around that individual. What hurts us the most, then, is having this illusion being made to feel insignificant. In the larger scheme of things it's like thinking about the fact that life would go on exactly the same for almost everyone in the entire world if you were no longer in it. There is a line in Jane Eyre that has always creeped me out. Paraphrased, it's something like, "the hands that embroidered the cushions on these stools were long ago dust." Someone had spent hours and hours straining their eyes with a tiny needle and thread to make these cushions, which were still being used, but no one remembered who. That explains the drive to be famous, to leave your mark on the world. "I'm not insignificant, people are going to remember my name long after I'm dead."

One step down on the scale, it's like what happened with me and my airline ticket. Anyone who's battled a large corporation has felt this futility. You know you are just one small customer who really has no power as one individual to affect their business in anyway. Even if you tell everyone you know not to use a particular company and they don't, it typically won't even make a dent. My brother and sister-in-law fought and fought against a Wal-Mart going in their backyard. They went to meetings, they petitioned, they gave speeches and handed out buttons. Six months later there was a Wal-Mart in their backyard. They felt powerless and insignificant.

Ever go on an online dating site and send out email after email to people that you think you could possibly have a chance with and then get one email back? It hurts to know you were nothing to all those other people. They read your email, looked at your picture and decided you were a waste of their time. Or you go out on a first date and never hear anything again...Insignificant.

Or that one person that you follow with your eyes, whose laugh you memorize, whose facial expressions you know by heart. That one person can tell you, with words or silently, that you are only a small, pleasant yet unnecessary, part of their life and suddenly you've never felt more insignificant.

There are so many examples that it's hard to choose. But I've come to the conclusion that nothing hurts more.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Now hear this!
I know you spend too much time when you should be doing something else reading blogs and posting to your own. But you must start reading this blog. Incredible writing, unique format, good stuff.

That's an order.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Someone to Die for--Jimmy Gnecco
Someone to die for
Someone to fall into when the world goes dark
Someone to die for
Someone to tear a hole in this sinless night
Someone like you

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Sometimes I can get over myself
Remember my post about the horrible time I had with Well, in addition to making sure they knew how crap they are, and also posting the complaint here, I also wrote a letter to US Airways, complimenting the woman at their ticket counter who tried to help me straighten things out:

Dear US Airways

I'd like to advise you of an exceptional experience I had with one of your airline personnel. I'm not sure of her last name, but her first name is Sharon. She works at the counter as a supervisor at LAX. On May 23, 2005, apt around 10am, I was having horrible problems with the company with which I booked my ticket (more on that later). I was trying desperately to get the situation straightened out on the phone with them at the same time as I was trying to explain my situation to Sharon. She immediately got the gist of what was going on and took matters into her own hands. She saw that I was very upset and telling her the truth of my situation. She took action and got me on a flight home. I didn't know anyone in Los Angeles and was due at work the next morning. In addition, there was going to be someone waiting to pick me up at the other end of my journey. I don't know what I would have done if I had been stranded in L.A. Sharon made a horrible situation bearable, and I wish I could do more than just send this letter. I hope it finds its way to someone that will let her know she is doing a wonderful job. I'm sure sometimes it's hard to distinguish between people trying to take advantage of the system and people who are honestly in a situation they had no part in creating. And I'm sure it's easy to err on the cynical side. Sharon did not, and I am so grateful for that.

In addition, I'd like to note that the company that I had the problem with was They spelled both my first and last name wrong (a nightmare in this era of tight security) and neglected to tell me when my flight had changed. They also neglected to refund my friend money after canceling, with her consent, a ticket she had purchased. This caused her not only to have to put a stop payment on her debit card, but also to have to cancel her entire bank account and open a new one. I know that this company is not affiliated with you in any way. I don't really know how the system works, but if I were US Airways, I'd seriously consider not allowing to sell seats on your airline. I believe they are a fraudulent, or at least very unprofessional, company.

Thank You

See? If you complain you should also compliment. I asked them to confirm receipt of my fax via email, but I hadn't heard from them until today:

Dear Ms. :

On behalf of US Airways, I wish to thank you for your thoughtful letter commending Sharon, one of our employees in Los Angeles. We appreciate the time you took to advise us that Sharon provided courteous, helpful and professional service when your ticket needed to be reissued.

Excellent service is essential to our success, and it is always pleasing to know that our efforts have not gone unnoticed. We will make sure your comments are recorded in Sharon's personnel file and passed on directly.

Ms. , thank you for taking the time to share your favorable impressions with us and for giving us the opportunity to be of service to you. We look forward to welcoming you aboard another US Airways flight soon.

Jennifer A. Wagner
Executive Staff
US Airways Office of Consumer Affairs

So that's cool. Maybe my stressful, awful time will at least get Sharon a raise. I hope so.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Weekend Getaway
I'm back from Neil and Christine's picnic this weekend. I had a good time. I have a really good set of friends up there. Neil, Christine, and the ever-elusive Bradley. They're the kind of friends that, while you don't call them every week or even every month, when you do get back together everything just clicks again. . . and sarcasm and laughter abound. I really enjoy being with them.

I learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em ( I think I was the only person left on the planet who didn't know how to play) and Cribbage (hard for me, because I'm embarassingly bad at adding in my head). We went hiking in Purgatory. We played wiffle ball. I even stayed an extra night--Monday night--because I just wasn't ready to get back to my life yet. Well, that, and an embarrasing little occurance which I'm not talking about.

I got to spend some time with Brad, too, finally. Some of that was a little awkward. Neil and Christine know that Brad and I have a sometimes thing going on, but nobody else that was around that weekend really is supposed to know. I'm not exactly sure why, but it feels better this way somehow. I think I need to examine that more closely, but there it is for now.

The only bad thing is that being up there is a reminder of how--regardless of my intent and moderate success at trying to concentrate on living a good life and letting love find me--there's a deep spot of loneliness in my life. Staying up late at night to watch a movie snuggled next to Brad on the couch--I can realize all I want that Brad isn't the person who is going to be there for me, but there really is nothing to compare to that warm, safe, sleepy, loved feeling. There just isn't.

I can socialize with good people, I can find new hobbies, I can read new books, I can get my dog, buy a house. But that feeling will still be missing from my life. And that's why I let Brad make the rules, that's why I try to deny that I am completely incapable of being casually involved with someone--because for moments in time Brad can make me feel warm, safe, and loved. That's really all I have right now, and I need it. I need to know that every once in a while there's going to be someone around to kiss me goodnight on the forehead and cater to my insecurities. I suppose that makes me weak and an affront to single, independant women everywhere. But those moments when I'm not lonely are worth it.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer

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