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Writing Tripe Since 2004
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Thursday, September 30, 2004

Edna St. Vincent Millay, Letters, 1952
US poet (1892 - 1950) Posted by Hello
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
You weren't supposed write back!!
So I had to write my first rejection email. I usually just wait for them to reject me. But I wrote something quite nice. Something along the lines of "I had a nice time at dinner too, but I just don't think we are suited for each other. Thank you for a lovely dinner and best of luck with everything." I mean, what else was I supposed to say? That was supposed to be that. He was supposed to read it, curse at the computer, tell his friend something nasty about me that night and then email the next girl on But...

He wrote back!:

Wow...ok. I have to say I'm disappointed that you feel that way. I thought we had some good witty/sarcastic banter going. But, I will respect your feelings and wish you the best of luck.

What's up with that? "Wow"? Is that a "wow, how could you resist my manly charms?" or just a "wow, I totally read you wrong."? It pisses me off somehow that he got the last word. I know that's silly.
But he wasn't supposed to write back!! I wanted to write back and say, "yes, we did have some nice banter, but when I had to pay for said witty repartee, I thought the price was a bit too high. Honestly though, if I had been attracted to him at all, I would have overlooked that. So there you are.

Perhaps this is the end of my dating adventures for a while. Got a bike ride on Saturday, and maybe one on Sunday, too, depending on how my body holds up. The only prospect I have in sight is that it seems that a co-worker wants to hook me up with her relative. I've never been properly set up before. But hey, I'll try it...the online personal thing surely isn't working. The only reason I haven't taken down those damn profiles is because I can't get online at home, and I don't want to get caught on those sites at work.

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
I don't want to have my love life be a continuous loop of the unattainable. I don't want history to repeat and see my heart broken again. I can NEVER feel that way I was one huge void. Like I had survived some horrid natural disaster and wished I hadn't. Like all the ropes that held me suspended had broken and I couldn't stop my fall.

We ought not to look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dear-brought experience.
--George Washington(1732 - 1799)

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Spiritual Fathers
I've been thinking a lot about all the "fathers" in my life now. I lost my dad, well, it'll be 4 years ago on October 23rd. And, as is typical, there was so much I didn't realize that I counted on having a father around for. Not just knowing how to talk to an auto mechanic, but being there to walk me down the isle someday, and that kind of thing. Dad and I were really too much alike to get along very well--that will make sense if you think about it for a minute. But I think my appreciation for him would have grown as I got older, and we would have been able to really talk. At least I like to think that...

Anyway, what does a girl with no boyfriend, brothers who live in different states, and no father do when she needs male wisdom or daddy-love? God has really blessed me in this regard, and has recently filled up my life with male protectors. There's my best friend's Daddy...she lets me borrow him. He's always asking me silly Daddy things: Did you dye your hair AGAIN? Have you checked you tire pressure? Does your mom know you are doing that? I think that if I ever get married, and as long as my best friend has married first, I'll ask him to walk me down the isle. It might make my brothers sad, though. Then there's Wayne at work. He's my "fleet manager." He used to be an auto technician and he tells me what to say to the ogres at the car dealership. He even talks to them for me. He can't possibly know what a weight off my shoulders that is. I hope he does. He also helped me move. And before you get any funny ideas, he's very happily married and I am quite happy with that. : o ) And then at church I have my spiritual fathers, Father Tufton and Father James. All the other guy engineers at work would have my back if I needed them and have done various things for me here and there. I have a whole set!!

So I might have lost my true Daddy, but I'm pretty sure he and God are up there making sure I'm covered. Sure seems like it anyway. I'm a lucky girl.

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
What do you think?
Well, after I had breathed a sigh of relief that Mr. GoDutch hadn't called in 2 days, I got an email from him this morning, written last night.

"Just wanted to drop you a note to say I had a great time Friday night. You were very brave to try the Sushi. Now we just need to work on that lobster thing. ;-) " Again with the lobsters? He has no free time this week but wants to get together again. I know I'm not really attracted to him, and now we've set this pattern where I'm going to end up paying...

Do I just not answer the email? That's pretty chicken. Do I say thanks but I'm not attracted to you? And include the bit of advice about paying on the first date? Although I have been hearing from some guys that if I didn't want to pay I shouldn't have offered. Oh, and my personal favorite...if a guy paid for every first date that was going to go nowhere, he'd be broke. Hmmm...someone out there has to be reading this. What do you think?

posted by LoRi~fLoWer

Today is O-day for my friend. I'm sending all kinds of good thoughts...and this bit of advice. Posted by Hello
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Monday, September 27, 2004
The Rest of the Weekend
Just a quick post to say that I did have a rest of the weekend besides the date on Friday. Saturday morning was spent with volunteers and other people from the bike club I'm pretty sure I will be officially joining. We did some trail maintence on one of the semi-local trails. It was great to be outside on a beautiful fall day. The leader was very knowledgable about conservation and ecosystems and making the trails enjoyable for people while keeping the negative effect on flora and fauna as minimal as possible.

I got to finally meet Jay, the leader of the the biking club, with whom I got off on the wrong foot (I think) at first, through an email I sent to their yahoo group. I was trying to be funny but ask a question about membership benefits at the same time, and I think I made him go on the defensive. If it was my group, I might have too...but I tried to make it up to him Saturday by working really hard. He probably didn't even notice, but there you go.

Sunday I did a lot of churchy things and had a good talk with my friend Father James, who, by the way, was my friend before he became a preist. Oh, and watched the football. I'm still in the running for the pool at work. It's all down to tonight's Redskin/Dallas game. I'm strangely excited about football season this year.

So this was definitely the most boring post to date. I'll try to be more interesting later in the week.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Chopsticks and Chance
Ok. So not a bad date. Nothing went horribly wrong, for once. Well except I had to go to the mall to get a black top and ended up getting home when I should have been leaving for the date. I called him and said I was just getting home from work...which I figured was a pretty harmless lie, all things considered. And I only ended up being about 10 minutes late.

So first thing I noticed was that I have at least 3 inches on him and I'm not wearing heels. -5 points. I'd tend to make it more, but it's not his fault. Maybe a bit less if he'd been honest, I swear his profile said 5'8. Other than that, he's a nice looking guy. Typically American, you know...

I'm not going to re-hash every minute but...
Pulling out my chair +5 (so he's back with a clean slate again)
Smile +2 (good teeth)
Eyes? A light variation of brown, I think, although the light was odd in there +1
The obvious trying to check out my tits, flattering but -1 (as the outfit was not conducive)
The fact that it was obvious he liked what he saw +7
However, the "looking deep into my eyes" thing was kind of creepy on a first date...-1 if it had only been once, but it was more than that and made me uncomfortable so -3
For taking me someplace nice that required reservations +5
For staring when I was trying to eat sushi for the first time -1
For the full-on rant about how wonderful lobster is -1
(That would have been more, but he's from Maine, so allowances must be made)
For saying "if you want to" when I offered to help pay -5
And other for saying "if you want to" when I offered to put it on my card -5
He should maybe get points for giving me $40 of a $70 bill but I don't think so.
For the fairly good conversation at my car +2
For not trying to kiss me +3
For a nice hug +1
Props but no points for sneaking in another hug when I said something funny.

All in all, I don't think I want to see him again. I would have, but that check thing was really a red flag. First date, guy pays. Woman politely offers to pay her own share--man adamently refuses or says something along the lines of you can buy me ice cream/dessert.

So he got a+6 (check my math, I suck.) But how do I rate my behavior?

+5 for looking v. cute and stylish with a fitted jean blazer over a black camisole with a green and black "zebra" skirt
-3 for being late
+2 for calling to say I was running late
+5 for keeping conversation going and being funny
-2 for not being able to hold his eyes when I knew he was doing that "look"
-1 for incompetant use of chopsticks
+4 for eating raw fish
+3 for offering to pay
-5 for saying, just as an excuse to get in the car and go, "I really have to potty"
That's a 10 for me...of course :O )
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Lori's Tip of the Month
If I could convey one thing to guys, it would be this: Do not think you can be subtle. We KNOW when you're trying to sneak looks at our tits. It's hard to hide something like that because they are situated right under our FACE, you see. You might as well give up the attempts to be sneaky about it.
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Friday, September 24, 2004

This is for...You know who you are... Posted by Hello
posted by LoRi~fLoWer
What *is* my problem??
I have a date tonight. It's a guy from either Yahoo or Match. I can't remember which, and that's kind of sad. Match, I think. I have no idea why I'm not looking forward to it. The guy seems nice enough, and I should be looking forward to gettting to know him better. He's made reservations at a nice restaurant, which is something I've never had done for me on a date before. It's not even the thought of eating raw fish that's making me squemish. I have to pull myself out of this because it's very unfair to my date. If I was feeling this way I should have said no. As soon as I get internet connected at the new place, I'm taking my profiles off!

Seriously, I'm usually the hopelessly idealistic bounce-back girl. The "this guy will be it" girl. And I'm just not feeling that way. I'm really tired of disappointment, silent rejection, getting excited, and then getting let down. I just want a break from it all for a while. I wonder if it has something to do with the suave gentlman I've been speaking to a lot who lies just out of my reach? He's been a wonderful friend lately, and he's spoiling me with compliments, "you can do betters," and a bit of nice, honest flirting. But shouldn't that really make me want to go out and show myself off a bit?

Truth be told, I'm looking more forward to getting out and doing trail maintenance with the my bike club tomorrow than I am to getting myself together to make small talk tonight. Aren't I horrid?

Depend not on another, but lean instead on thyself...True happiness is born of self-reliance.
--The Laws of Manu

Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward.
--Patricia Sampson

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Dinner with a Twist
Had dinner with my friend last night. We'll call him Biff, but that's not his name, fortunately enough for him. I met Biff on Yahoo Personals a few months ago and we dated a couple of times and then he broke the news to me that I had been his last ditch effort to go on denying that he was gay. It was a nice compliment, in a way. He said that I was so nice and we had so much in common that if he couldn't fake it with me he couldn't fake it with anyone. Which explains why there was no physical chemistry between us. It was one of the first dates in my newly-found singlehood, and I was probably trying to make something happen just to say I was OK, but that's another entry, I guess.

Anyway, dinner was good. I think he feels pretty open with me, but some of the things he's willing to dicuss, I don't particularly want to hear. Nor would I want to tell him about those things in my life. But he's a good person who needs a friend who understands, I guess, and since I told him about my brother, I think that made it easier for him to be honest with me in the first place. He's really conflicted within himself, not about WHETHER he is gay or not, but more how to BE what he is. He a Republican and pretty traditionally conservative about most things, which puts him in a tough spot, naturally. I get the feeling he wants to a have traditonal family and relationship, except with a man, and I'm not sure if that's the way things work yet. He said it was hard for him to reconcile the fact that when he thought about himself at the age he is he always figured he'd be settled and married with kids and a dog and a house and now that's not the way his life will ever be. I think Biff will be OK though. He's probably not the type of person I would normally have for a friend...meaning his personality in general and not his sexuality...but I'm going to make an effort. Another one of my poor stray puppies, maybe? I don't think of it that way, but someone said something of the sort to me, and I wonder if it's true. Or even if it matters if it is true.

There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time.

Rebecca West (1892-1983)

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
The Moody Blahs
My life probably isn't reading material. Last night was Tuesday at Mom's. Tuesday's trash night and she can't take the big, heavy wheely bin out by herself since she hurt her back. So I do it. Some nights I've had plans MILES away from her house, driven there anyway after work, taken the trash out, and then gone and done whatever it was I had planned. I think I'm a pretty good daughter to her. She needs a lot of help, and my brothers live so far away. I can't (or sometimes, I admit, won't) do a lot of the manual things she wants done around the house. But I feel like she doesn't really appreciate the fact that I'm there. I moved back from Austin to be closer to her. I wanted to, but the fact remains that my brothers didn't. It's odd how she can make me feel like I make her sad if I'm not there every weekend and every Tuesday, yet at the same time I don't feel like she realizes that she's got that. If that makes any sense at all...probably not.

So the guy I have a date with left a message on my phone last night. I told him to tempt me to say yes to the date by telling me his plans. He wants to go to a sushi/hibachi place. I've only ever had vegetable sushi, but I suppose I'll give it a go. He giggled in the message though...which I took as a bad sign. Guys aren't supposed to giggle, are they? But maybe he was just nervous. We'll see. I seem to be much more laid back, thanks to the series of disappoinments and awful dates. I had been making the mistake of practically planning the wedding when a guy asked for a second date. Either I've become more rational or more cynical. I'm kind of over it all for the time being, I just want to ride my moutain bike. Get some more bruises, be tough, be self-sufficient. Realize that I have a life that I enjoy with or without a man in it....and really mean all that, not just use it as a tool to find someone.

posted by LoRi~fLoWer
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Virgin Blogger
Ok, so I've never done this before. I think it's because I once heard a friend say that people who post their "diaries" on the web have to be self-centered and self-important. Right. Maybe true? If so, then I'm going to embrace those qualities and try them on for size.

I've got a lot going on in my life right now and most of it's in my head. Meaning, I have a lot more things to think about than to act on. I'm single after a 3 year relationship that I'm having a hard time letting go of...the whole dating thing has been a series of weird misadventures that I sometimes chalk up to self-sabotage, etc. So I figured, why not throw it all out there for the world to see. I'm sure a perfect stranger could see me more clearly than I see myself right now.

More to come...
The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.
Frank Herbert (1920 - 1986)
posted by LoRi~fLoWer

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